Overview
Referring to a person respectfully includes using their affirming name, pronouns, and other forms of address.
This means that regardless of someone’s legal name, it is respectful to refer to them by the name that they want to be called. Note that this name may be different in different situations.
Terms like Mrs., Mr., ma’am, sir, and so on are commonly considered polite, but may misgender someone. Avoid using such terms until you know someone’s gender.
Finding out someone’s pronouns does not need to be complicated. It can be simple as, “Hi, my name is Sarah and my pronouns are she/her. What is your name and your pronouns?” By introducing yourself first, you model the practice of sharing pronouns, making it easier for someone else to share theirs.
Pronouns
Pronouns are the words that are used in place of someone’s name when referring to them, such as I, we, you, our, she, they, or he. In English, pronouns are used frequently. Even though pronouns are prevalent, most people do not consciously think about what pronouns they are using in day-to-day conversation.
Pronouns can be an important part of a person’s gender identity and expression – for trans people and cisgender people. Most people feel more comfortable being referred to with certain pronouns over others (for example: “She/Her/Hers,” “He/Him/His,” or “They/Them/Theirs”). When someone uses a different set of pronouns to refer to someone, it usually feels disorienting (“Are they talking about me?”) or invalidating (“Don’t they know my name and pronouns?”), or insulting (“Are they trying to be rude or hurtful to me?”). Hearing others use pronouns that align with our identity is validating and builds trust and confidence.
People may use pronouns that are familiar or unfamiliar to you. New pronouns are easy to learn and conjugate. The chart below shares some examples of singular pronouns a person might use:
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| She | Her | Her | Hers | Herself |
| He | Him | His | His | Himself |
| They | Them | Their | Theirs | Themselves |
| Ze/Zie | Hir/Zir | Hir/Zir | Hirs/Zirs | Hirself/Zirself |
| Xe | Xem | Xyr | Xyrs | Xemself |
| Per | Per | Pers | Pers | Perself |
| Ve | Ver | Vis | Vis | Verself |
| (F)ae | (F)aer | (F)aer | (F)aers | (F)aerself |
| E/Ey | Em | Eir | Eirs | Eirself |
For many people – transgender and cisgender – using their correct pronouns (those that affirm their gender) is an important way of showing respect. Using someone’s correct pronouns communicates that you recognize and respect who they are and are making an effort to use the language they have asked others to use.
Like using someone’s correct name, using a person’s correct pronouns helps build trust. This is especially important when working with people who have experienced violence. Hate-motivated violence often involves misgendering – using the wrong pronouns, name, or other gendered language. Repeating this harm in a professional relationship can undermine trust and create additional distress.
Typically, once we know the name and pronouns to use with a person, we don’t need to ask additional questions. When working with survivors in contexts where you might be communicating with other people (other peer professionals, organization staff, other clients in group settings, etc.), it can be useful to gently and directly ask a few follow-up questions to make sure you are respecting the person’s privacy and safety needs.
Some important follow-up questions to make sure you respect their needs about possibly using different names/pronouns in different situations might include:
- “Would you like me to use these pronouns in all situations, such as at the courthouse, in the shelter, and with other staff?”
- “Is it okay if I share your pronouns with my colleagues so they can also address you respectfully?”
- “What pronouns would you like me to use if I need to speak with law enforcement or other service providers?”
The specific questions will vary depending on the situation. In general, providers should determine whether this information public or private, and if it is private, who (if anyone) has the permission to know or use it.
Multiple pronouns:
Some people may use more than one set of pronouns. For example, someone may introduce themselves as using she/they pronouns or say they use they/them or xe/xir pronouns.
This usually means that they are comfortable with both or either set being used. Some people prefer others to use both/all sets of pronouns for them interchangeably, while others have a preference for one or the other. It is okay to ask a person how to use the language that affirms their identity.
Examples: Sam uses he/they interchangeable. “Sam is at his desk. They are waiting for a phone call.”
Not using pronouns:
Some people do not use any pronouns and instead would like people to use their name in place of pronouns. Around the world, many languages do not use gendered pronouns, while others have more expansive ways of expressing for gender than English. As a result, some Indigenous trans and Two-Spirit people may not use gendered pronouns at all.
Different pronouns in different settings:
Some people use different pronouns depending on the setting, the people they are with, or their sense of safety. For example, someone may use They/Them pronouns with their therapist but continue using He/Him pronouns at home, with family members who might not react well to them using different pronouns.
Another person might use she/her pronouns at work but use he/him around an abusive partner. Others may ask a service provider to use a specific set of pronouns during legal proceedings to prevent their trans identity from being known publicly.
When you don’t know someone’s pronouns:
If you are unsure of someone’s pronouns and have the opportunity to ask in a private, comfortable setting, it is generally best to ask. If that is not possible, you can simply use the person’s name or, in many situations, use they/them pronouns until you can ask.
While they/them can function as gender-neutral pronouns, not everyone wants to be referred to that way. If someone has already shared that they use another set of pronouns – such as he/him, she/her, or ze/hir – continuing to use they/them is another form of misgendering.
In FORGE listening sessions, several trans survivors described how upsetting it was when providers continued using “they/them” pronouns even after being told which pronouns they used.[i]
Examples of introductions
The following examples demonstrate ways providers can introduce themselves, ask about names and pronouns, and model respectful language in different settings. Providers are encouraged to adapt their approach to the situation, the person they are working with, and the context of the interaction.
Note that sometimes in public settings we might not learn people’s names. If there are a lot of other people around, it may be beneficial to not ask someone’s name in order to respect their privacy.
In person conversations:
“Hi, my name is Tara. I use she/her pronouns. What would you like me to call you? What pronouns do you use?”
“I’d like to introduce you to some of our other staff. This is Sam, they work nights. Sam, this is Evelyn. She is just getting here.”
“What’s your name?” …. “Is there another name or anything specific you’d like us to call you while you’re here? For example, some people have a nickname or prefer to be called Mr. or Ms….”
“Hey, I just heard you call Stacy “she”. I wanted to let you know that Stacy uses he/him pronouns, so you’d actually say he instead of she for Stacy.”
“My name is Joe. I use he/him pronouns.”
“Let me introduce you. Sara, this is the person I have been talking to about our donations closet. Can you share more information?”
Telephone conversations:
“To set up that appointment for you, I just need to gather some information. I want you to know that we do not need to see your ID or even use your legal name for this. If we do need that information for something specific – like helping you get government assistance, I will let you know. What name would you like us to use for you while you are here? What pronouns do you use?”
“When I transfer your call to the shelter, would you like me to share your name with them?”
“What name and pronouns shall I use for you?
“I’m Jane. What name would you like me to call you?”
[i] FORGE. “Trans Survivor Toolkit Listening Sessions.” FORGE, 13 November 2023.